30, 59, 41, 54, 61. Those were my rank points from JC1 till prelims. It seemed like a lifetime ago, but these numbers hold much value to me. They serve as a painful reminder of my procrastination during JC. However, I am very fortunate to have received satisfactory grades for my A-Levels. This writing isn’t to brag or to motivate, it simply is for me to self-reflect on my journey and the people who helped me along the way.
My parents tell me that good grades open doors to opportunities in life, which I believe. The past 2 academic years hadn’t been easy. Lectures after lectures. Tutorials after tutorials. Exams after exams. It was the routine when I chose the JC route, but I didn’t know it was going to be so tough.
Computing at the start was like swimming in the deep end of the pool. Math made the subject so foreign to me. Economics was a totally new ballgame in terms of writing essays. There was only chemistry which I found to love. Over time I improved, but there was one subject that constantly held me back — Math.
It was a new concept in every chapter, a small something that I couldn’t grasp, that snowballed into annoyance and frustration. I got tuition for economics and chemistry (as they weren’t fantastic either), but stupidly not for math. I kept telling my parents I could cope but I was referring to the lecture notes every time I solved a tutorial question. It was a foolish move, one that I would’ve regretted for the rest of my life if I flunk math in A-Levels, but in the end, I proved myself wrong.
I had remedial sessions with my teacher almost every week and had to grind the TYS plus other practice questions the department uploaded. I was literally texting my PW leader almost every day for help, as he served as my math mentor as well. On top of that, I had to finish tutorial questions and read up for the next chapters as well. Being overwhelmed with the subject is an understatement.
Things were at an all-time low after prelim, even though I got a ‘D’. It was common knowledge that our grades were heavily moderated for prelim, and that did not boost my confidence in math whatsoever. I wanted to drop to H1, as I heard from a friend that their paper is much easier, and excluded the topics I am weak in. I was so invested in the idea that I got the H1 math prelim paper and completed it to convince myself and it turned out H1 math is tremendously easier than H2 math, so I confided in my teacher about it.
She didn’t say much but instead told me to go home and think about it, which I did. Looking back, that was the best advice she could have given me at that time. I decided against dropping to H1, mainly since I needed H2 math to get into my desired course in university, and also due to all the blood, sweat and tears I’ve put into the subject. It would be such a waste to just give up then, with the finishing line in sight. So, I gritted my teeth and continued the routine until judgement day.
I came out of the exam hall with several questions wrongly answered, but that didn’t affect me since I didn’t have high expectations of my answers anyway. It was this nothingness I felt then which gnaws at my consciousness now because I knew and always will know that I threw in the towel even before the results were out. And this feeling slowly faded away after a while, but it came rushing back to me after I received my results.
When I got my results, the grade that shocked me the most was math. On one hand, it was unexpected, but on the other, I felt foolish. Of not believing in myself sooner. Of not taking the help I was given seriously.
The point of this was to put in words how I had lacked the determination to see things through, I gave up everything once it was over, didn’t even think to show some appreciation for the people who helped me get this far. And so here I am now reliving every moment where I went running for help for math. I am guilty of taking things for granted, and I would like to make it right.
I don’t feel that I’m not worthy of the grade anymore. Some may say I didn’t give myself enough credit for the work I put in, but I still regret not showing more appreciation for the people who helped me to get where I am now. I am deeply grateful for those who helped me in the past 2 treacherous years, especially for aiding me in math. I know I already sent a message on results day, but that message didn’t encapsulate the feelings and thoughts I expressed here. I had to think long and hard about how to get these words out. And this is a long overdue thank you. Thank you for responding at odd hours of the night. Thank you for explaining things patiently. Thank you for being there. I think you guys know who you are.
Sometimes you need to set the bar high, for yourself to go above and beyond. Sometimes you need to know to aim low and surprise yourself with your abilities. I have learnt that the latter is completely realistic to set a more attainable goal. I don’t see it as losing hope now; instead, I see it as creating more space for myself, taking things at a pace I deem reasonable.
I hope that this serves as a reminder to appreciate the people around you because they have a greater impact on you more than you know. And to seek help when you need some. Study hard kiddos.
