“Friendships are fragile”. A friend recently told me about it, and I couldn’t agree more. There are friends who I’ve lost and made over the years, and the scary part is I actually don’t know when or what will end the friendship. The uncertainty brings out the fragility so much more, but let’s start with a simple question — what are friendships? Are they social contracts between 2 people? Or much more than that?
My definition of a friendship is 2 people accepting each other for both their flaws and quirkiness. Acknowledging the short-sightedness of each other and being able to complement each other in those areas. A bit vague yes, but I intentionally left out the specific parts because that will vary. In a way, it is a social contract in which 2 people agree to help one another and to keep each other company.
I believe there are 3 states of friendships — good, fragile and bad. A good friend would be the kind which you partake in activities together and have a good time. A fragile friendship would be with those you have lost contact with and/or those who were unable to see eye to eye with you. A bad friendship would be both parties fighting/arguing, aka a toxic friendship, which is one I foresee wouldn’t last very long.
Does a fragile friendship necessarily mean a bad friendship? To some extent, I would categorise it as so. Having a fragile friendship would mean the ‘social contract’ is not totally agreed upon by both parties. And when external forces are at play, either one or both parties start to question the integrity of the friendship. Unable to see eye to eye, the situation may escalate, and a ‘bad’ friendship will start to form.
On the flip side, a fragile friendship isn’t necessarily a bad one, as situations can be improved, given time (as the adage says, time heals all wounds). But we would have to admit we will need to put in more effort to maintain the friendship when it is fragile. Certain boundaries and lines will have to be drawn more specifically and one must make sure he/she does not cross them.
Bad friendships are difficult to last and exist, as both parties will (and should) part ways for the sake of themselves and the people around them. But that is after all methods of reconciliation are exhausted.
There are no bad people, just wrong actions and immaturity. Where possible, amends should be made as quickly as possible and the friends around them should give good/sensible advice when they seek it.
My friend then asked me “Do you cherish your friendships?”. In all honesty, I want to say I do, but there are some friendships I take for granted, which is kind of the main reason I am writing this. We do not acknowledge the worth and value we bring to each other’s life each day, much less valuing it enough to tell the other person. How long ago was it that you told your friends that you are grateful for them, for everything they have done and you cherish the friendship? I would guess not many people would do it frequently. Most of us only reflect on our friendships during special occasions like birthdays and/or anniversaries. Others show their appreciation through time spent with their friends. At the end of the day, there aren’t any wrong or correct answers to the question: How do you prove the value of your friendship?
Some may argue there isn’t a need to ‘prove’ your friendship; if it’s real, it should speak for itself. Others believe deeply in showcasing their friendships, be it through social media, or physical gifts, to ascertain the value of their friendships. Again, it is about finding balance. Too much of either will not lead to a good outcome.
Maybe it’s time for me to rethink my friendships. To try and heal the many wounds I’ve opened. And at the same time spend time reflecting on how to be better, as a friend. Family is important, but more thought should be placed on friends as well, for they are the foundation of our social interactions. We are not alone. We simply choose to be.
My principal’s sage advice to the cohort when we first entered the school, was to make 200 friends. A logical person would understand that it is simply not possible to make 200 close friends within 2 years. Yet, it is possible to make 200 connections in the school. I felt that he wanted us to make this inference and that when he said ‘friends’ he meant ‘potential connections that will be useful for yourself in the future’.
What he failed to mention, or rather, what was left vague, perhaps intentionally, was the type of friends one should make. Quantity? Or quality? I feel that we shouldn’t just see people around us, especially our friends, as solutions or helping hands whenever we run into problems. They are much more than that.
Simply making a friend just so you can ‘pull a few strings’ to solve a crisis you face later on in life destroys the very meaning of making friends.
Friends are supposed to lend a helping hand when you are in trouble, yet they are not obligated to do so. Every time I text a friend I’ve not spoken to for a few months, there’s this feeling of guilt, because usually, I’m asking for a favour. And it gnaws at me, maybe because I don’t trust that I’ve built a stable enough foundation with this person, to simply text them after a couple of months and ask about something. I fear rejection, but I know that they have every right to not answer and ignore my texts. Vice versa, the same can be said if one is receiving such a message. You would be wary if a friend you aren’t that close to, maybe you guys drifted apart, text you out of the blue to ask about something. I wish there is a solution to overcome this. How do you ensure that the good times spent, and the memories created together isn’t diluted by time? How do you ensure the recipient’s good image of you remain the way you guys left off, such that when you come knocking again, you can be assured that you would get a somewhat decent answer or reply?
